Saturday, July 21, 2012


Maybe I'm just dramatic, but life always feels like a never-ending rollercoaster than a just a ride. Even when things are coasting along do I incessantly worry about what's next, what am I doing wrong, what am I dissatisfied with. Sometimes I feel like if I could just let go, maybe I would experience life happening around me. I did that for certain periods of my life, and it was when I was around people who would make things happen. 

My dad was (and is) always about showing me and my brother so many facets of life. He would plan vacations to historical places, take us hiking, camping, biking, show us thunderstorms and teach us about clouds, buy my brother a planetarium, teach me piano. When I lived in Boston with some of my most favorite, random, Craigslist roommates, I experienced the best times of my young life. Bowls passed around every day, concerts with the band I lived with, parties with everyone we knew, games that made me laugh until my face hurt. But it was my friends who put together those events, that orchestrated our fun. I was blessed to be able to go along with them. Now they are continuing to live rich lives. Where am I? Living essentially alone with people who are not providing me with this entertainment.

When I lived at home after college, I was not in my own environment anymore. I adapted to living at home and becoming less and less of my own person. My dad was no longer teaching us like his children, because we were adults. I was plagued with depression (per usual), but I was not developing a life of my own. Finally, seeing the chance to move out, I snatched it up, imagining an infinitely fun roommate situation like I had back in Boston. As it turned out, the roommates don't even like the common areas, we don't hang out together; we're isolated. Slowly I've developed hobbies that I thought I'd lost interest and all skill in. I started going on bike rides again, I picked up drawing, I play piano nearly every day. I continued my quest of finding the optimal diet and delved into raw food. It's amazing how much you can be interested in and do and still not have the satisfaction of living a full life. Social interaction is everything.

I've struggled with raw. Despite my best efforts I have not succeeded yet. My energy has been lower than ever. Granted, I'm not exercising. I also believe that without much fat and protein in my diet, I require a fairly significant amount of calories. If they're raw, I end up uncomfortably full trying to cram everything in. It's hard to believe that when I used to restrict to 1200 calories a day, I may have required 2000-3000+. I added in cooked foods (carbs) this week, and for the most part made an effort to really eat what I believe to consider "enough." Enough scares me, and I am fatter. I'm fairly uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm not obese, I don't even think I'm necessarily overweight, but I am comfortable when I'm skinny and that's it. I spent the first half of the week truly doubting how successful I could be in ANYTHING (relationships, work, play) looking like I look. Knowing I can't go back to starving my body, I've kept up with the eating, but it's almost been against my will. 

On Thursday, I had a great interview for a position that I know I could do well and that would give me the flexibility that I have been craving. I anticipate an offer to be more than I am making now and I was thinking that I would accept. On Thursday evening I got a call from the husband of the owner of the hair salon I go to (and went to on Wednesday). He owns a chiropractic clinic and would like to add a PT to his practice. I agreed to meet him over lunch, having no idea that a simple meeting would essentially turn into an offer to head the therapy portion of the company, build a clinic and a caseload, and eventually hire support staff and possibly double the salary I'm currently making. It's a crazy opportunity that I am seriously considering, despite how much it scares me. Talking with people that view me as having the potential and capacity for management of such immense responsibility was refreshing and exciting. 

My middle school crush has been texting me for the last couple of weeks, suddenly interested in hanging out, remembering something that he missed I guess. This happens sometimes. Guys realize years down the line after meeting me or dating me that I'm someone they want to see again. Knowing that this week was so self-deprecating, but despite my serious insecurities, I invited him to come visit. We ended up having an awesome time. He left today leaving me much more confident about my entire self. 

I find it really difficult to make a rewarding life for myself without the company of others. I watched This Emotional Life this week, which hammered home the point that without flourishing social relationships, we are doomed. Relationships are what make us human and happy. I'm such a solitary person when I'm alone, hobbies and all. It's so difficult for me to reach out. I can do so much, but without people around me keeping me company, it can feel worthless. This week I took risks, was spontaneous, and found novel people who could really make a difference in my life, and people who saw something in me that I tend not to see in myself. I wouldn't consider this week vacation at all, but a learning experience, and hopefully a turning point. 

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