Thursday, July 19, 2012

I hate days like yesterday. Reminds me of when I would go to the hospital randomly for what I didn't realize were panic attacks until that's the last conclusion they came to when testing came back negative. I wonder if "undercarbed " was the ultimate actual diagnosis, because that's what the 80/10/10 people lead you to believe.

To sum up yesterday:

  • I was still reacting to my mango allergy after I performed an experiment. Can I wash the skins with soap and water, remove all residue of that urushiol, and still enjoy the fruit that makes me want to eat fruit and only fruit forever? It turns out, no. I was on mango island for a good day and a half before my lips chapped and swelled and every pore on my face decided to have acne. It was a less severe reaction than the last time, but I still will never be touching a fresh mango again. 
  • I was panicked about my job search, which is being partly mediated by recruiters, who are people I am not a big fan of. They're pushy. And this one in particular made me feel like a sub par human being that should take any job offered despite the pay (which did still turn out to be way more than I normally make) because I haven't worked in that setting since clinical. I e-mail my friends to get a crash course on working in a SNF and they send me back all this information on stuff I did indeed forget or possibly never learned. Freak out continues.
  • I have a boy visiting on Friday, one that I haven't seen since possibly middle school. Maybe I saw him after middle school, but my mind always goes back to a middle school dance when he made me melt. I was nervous about seeing him 1) because I am not eating-disordered (well, I still probably am but I am actively trying to overcome this - read - because I feel/am fat) and 2) because of the mango allergy that is making me look even more hideous. Not going to lie, I am going to be drinking with this one. I've already let a lot of 80/10/10 things fly out the window this week.
  • I felt intense guilt for my cat, who I think because of the heat in my house developed a bunch of sores on her belly. I fear for her health and life and feel like I should have watched her closer, should have pet her more, should have brushed her more, and shouldn't have made her deal with this heat. This made me bawl more than anything. She is a tough kitty to love because she has issues from her past breeder-kitty life, but I do love her and want her to be healthy. She has since been eating her antibiotics mixed with wet food that both cats are enjoying (the new food, not the antibiotics). There is no way in hell she's letting me put antibiotic cream on her, so I'm praying that the medication alone will be enough. Everyone's saying that it's not my fault, but I will forever be hard on myself until something fundamentally changes within me.
I have an interview today, actually in less than an hour, and am at Starbucks again fueling up. I am angry at myself for letting coffee back into my life, but I can see that my body still is healing from the past damage I did to it. Why else do I feel myself with coffee after feeling so drained and lifeless since leaving it? I am hoping I get this job because honestly I'd take it assuming it pays more than my existing position. I am in desperate need of a change no matter how much it scares me. 

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