Sunday, August 19, 2012

Reclined for the day

What a rollercoaster.

On the job front, my stress about the uncertainty of the whole situation got the best of me. I decided to forgo the opportunity at the chiropractic clinic in favor of something that I could be sure of and comfortable with. This meant calling all parties and telling them of my decision during a particularly panic-attacked day. I actually called off work that day due to panic, something I haven't done in at least a year. More on that later. With the home care position, I don't have to worry about not getting enough patients to have a full day. If someone doesn't show, I still get paid. (Thank god for being salaried.) I will have a max of six patients a day compared to the 20 I have now. I'll be able to retreat to my car and listen to my Pandora and run errands during the day. I'll get to be out in the word and not under the roof of an office building for eternity. I won't be paid six figures, but I'll be paid 10k+ more than I'm making now, and doing less work to get it.

The only issue currently is that all I want to do is put in my two weeks' notice at my current position, but I can't until I get the official offer letter. I spoke with the Director over a week ago, but upon following up, was told that they're working on putting it together and that they were sorry for the delay. In any case, I know the offer already, and maybe it just does take time.

On the health front, I recently took a step back and realized that my health was suffering. I don't use the term suffering lightly. I truly was panic-ridden, void of any energy to do much else besides sleep and work, and was without any appetite. My skin has looked progressively worse, I'd gotten MUCH fatter (near my highest weight ever, in fact), and so my self esteem plummeted. I resorted to wearing and buying all of my baggiest and/or stretchiest clothes. I truly believe, now that I've reached out to a few people, that the 30 Bananas a Day website has some fundamental flaws. Clearly the diet wasn't working for me. In fact, it was making me ill. When I posted a discussion on the website's forum, the responses were both helpful and truly horrific. Some people wrote that they related to me. A number of others told me I was doing it wrong and had nothing supportive to say. I was doing everything "right," but had such severe symptoms from it that I could barely function, yet I needed to try harder. In the end, my cry-for-help thread was shut down because it went against the cultish guidelines of the community.

One comment from a non-moderator really stuck out in my head. They asked if I had any hunger, and if I didn't, that fasting might be necessary. I researched fasting to the extreme, and realized that whatever the reason for my symptoms, my body needed to heal with the energy normally spent on digestion. The day I started my fast, and even into the second, I felt amazing. This was what I needed, to feel that fog and fatigue lift away from me. I've been fasting for technically almost four days, but longer if you count the days that I didn't eat anything all day but had a small watermelon or a couple apples in the early morning or evening.

I've never fasted before and am still a little wary, but I plan on breaking it as soon as my body tells me to, or if I start to feel unwell. I have to do what feels right, and this feels right at the moment. When I do break the fast, the high-carb raw vegan cult mentality will be thrown out the window, and I plan on using my intuition and the signals my body sends to come up with a diet that works for me. I feel foolish for not realizing this before, but much more confident now that I can be healthy and in tune with my body when this is all over.

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